Preparing

Tuesdays are therapy days with Jason. Today we discussed my increasing anxiety, work (Bossdoc is on a 3 week vacation so I'm on call), my relationship with StW, my meeting with the State's Attorney tomorrow, and of course always, Dylan.

I met with Det. Gallagher and Cmdr. Cameron of the Police Dept. afterward. I told them about tomorrow's meeting and asked for input. It also gave me the opportunity to thank them for all the work they've done on Dylan's case. One person has been in custody since the day after Dylan's death and there's a possibility of more arrests. We talked a bit about the defendant and his family, his mother, who I've seen in court each time. We talked about what "an offer" means, and the best information they gave me was about what happens at the sentencing -so I need to be prepared. Even if both sides have reached an agreement, it's still up to the judge to pronounce sentence.

In some states (Texas) the victims are able to speak to the family and/or defendant. IL is not such a state but they thought it was worth asking the DA. I feel I need all the possible facts before rendering an opinion, even if it is only my opinion, not what's actually going to happen.

Justin is unable to attend tomorrow, and I uninvited StW. He is so angry. I'm incredibly sad, and occasionally weepy, distraught, always anxious, but I am not guilty, and if I'm angry, I'm not in touch with it. Anger is destructive. I always walk away from it now and I am certainly not bringing it to court with me. I simply told him, "With regard to Dylan, I trump you." End of story. To his credit, he said he can no more keep his anger in check than I can my tears. "Well then, stay home and be angry. I will try not to cry around you either."

I got as much done at the office this morning as I could. I will start earlier tomorrow to try to get caught up before heading to the Courthouse in Waukegan. I promised the police I would call them after my meeting to let them know how it went.

I also need to call my psychiatrist. I cannot go on feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke out any minute. That's how bad my anxiety is. I've been on the same meds for a long time, long before Dylan died. Maybe it's time to try something else or for a change in dosage. This crawling out of my skin feeling needs to get better.