I would just like to journal the journey.
My boss thinks I have issues setting boundaries. (Good thing for her, I say.)
Yesterday I spent three and a half hours on the phone with Medicare, Cobra, BCBS, the billing office of a large NY hospital, a collection agency, my dad, three times on speaker phone to give consent for whomever to speak to me, the corporation from which he retired almost 3 years ago, and his doctor's office, twice. As one might imagine, the vast majority of time was spent on hold with Medicare, then being shuffled from one "assistant" to the next, 5 times.
My boss thinks this isn't something I should be doing, that I'm being "sucked into" being their caregiver.
My dad, obviously, couldn't do it, but seemed very thankful it was being taken care of. My mom, I don't know, it's hard to believe she can be that clueless, so she must just be really overwhelmed. My guess is it's just hard to undo 70 years of learned helplessness.
My boss said she will never bring it up again if my therapist agrees with me today. We'll see.
At any rate, all those hours spent yesterday were fruitful. The problem was a 2 year old hospital bill left unpaid. It was a coordination of benefits issue and neither BCBS (Cobra) nor Medicare wanted responsibility, and after awhile the hospital gave up and sent it to Collections. The Collection Agency put a lien on a house, and Dad just ignored the whole mess. It's all straightened out now (in case anyone needs to know this, Medicare trumps Cobra if the patient is over 65.) In 15 days the Hospital can refile the claim with Medicare and it will be paid. End of story.
How many more of these are out there though? How many to come? Should I even care? How involved should I get and who if not me?
My dad gave verbal consent numerous times yesterday, speaker phone to speaker phone, so after I was finally done on the phone, I typed out a letter of consent for him to sign, giving me permission to discuss medical and billing issues with [several practitioners and institutions]. I mailed them off to him this morning for signatures.
To be fair, I "suggested" my mom do the same.
__________
Today I discussed the whole thing with my therapist. I even brought my boss in via her concerns. (Everyone wants to be my therapist.) Thus far I think we are all on the same page.
- I want to enjoy the time I have with my Dad, while he still knows me
- I will help them in whatever way I can FROM HERE and during visits
- I need to be extra aware of setting and sticking to boundaries....
- Which means D is almost grown (he seems to think something magical happens on the day he turns 18 next month and he will wake up an adult) and then it's my turn
- It MUST be my turn. I've never had a turn.
- That sounds very selfish to me, but as I am learning, selfish is not a word that can be applied to me and a little selfishness is exactly what I need
- Boundaries mean I cannot move to NY to care for my parents
- Boundaries mean I cannot care for my parents, as a nurse, here in my home, because my sweet Dad isn't going to stay this way and I cannot go back to the abuse of yesteryear in whatever form it takes
- Read Codependent No More. Again. Use a highlighter.
- Find and contact a Children of Alzheimers patients group and at least get some literature and/or talk to someone about what, if anything, they do as caregivers for their parent.
4 comments:
The Children of Alzheimers is a great idea. You'll get a better idea of where to set the boundaries from those who have already been there. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, though, it's about what YOU think you should do, and how you feel about it. As long as *you* feel good about it, that's what matters. When it starts to drag you down, that's when you say no.
What you've done for them is clearly something you're knowledgeable about doing--dealing with insurance and Medicare-- because of your work in a doctor's office. And it sounds like you feel good being able to help in this way. In that case continue with it. While your mom may protest about getting the POAs in place, keep at her about it. It will save a lot of frustration later. In the end it means peace of mind.. even for her, but also for you and the rest of the family. And doing these things you can reasonably do now will, when your parents are both gone, mean that you will never feel guilty about what you could have done but didn't. You will know you did your best. There's a lot to be said for the peace that gives.
Ah! So we are reading the same book! I'm finding it hard to read it. I see too much of myself and too much of Melanie in there. Of course, it is great to get a better understanding of what happened and how to keep it from happening again, but it is sad, so sad.
3+ hours on the phone? I would have slit my wrists long before 3 hours. In fact, I had an absolute meltdown yesterday with the kids after about 30 minutes on hold with the power company. Hahaha, the kids were so shocked, I rarely loose my cool around them, but hey, I'm human, it's ok to freak out occasionally and get mad. I think. So the book says, anyway, lol.
"It MUST be my turn. I've never had a turn." That made me feel very, very sad. For you, for me, and maybe for the universe too, I'm not sure.
I hope you don't mind these long comments. Hugs.
I keep on thinking about you and what it would be like to face this with my parents. My mom has been having dementia symptoms this last year (we can't let her cook anymore without supervision, for example, because she otherwise wanders off and forgets she's got something on the stove), but it's probable that they are related to her thyroid tumor. Now that she has had that removed, she seems to be doing better. But down the road, I know there will be more. My therapist said realizing your parents' mortality is one of the first real steps to adulthood; seeing your relationship with them inverted from what it was as a child is like the final seal of adulthood. Anyhow...I am thinking of you a lot these days and sending supportive vibes your way.
I think the idea of setting boundaries with you folks at this point is is beside the point. You are a child and want to help... I know all about that! My advice to you is that you do what you feel you need to do for them. One thing I have learned is that you have to satisfy the part of yourself that wants to be nurturing and loving... I think there is a big difference between helping sick parents and doing things for kids that they need to do for themselves... Go with your heart on this one Chriss... boss and/or therapist don't have to live in your head later...
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