I don't know if it's my advancing age or the anxiety disorder, but I notice I cannot go with the flow under stress anymore. I was actually in the bathroom at work yesterday crying like a little girl. Not sobbing. Just standing there, eyes red, tears streaming, feeling overwhelmed. D can't seem to get himself to school in the mornings, continuing to shoot himself in the foot, endangering graduation and his post-high school plans. I know, I know, let him make his own decisions and accept his own consequences. Yeah. Right. Sure. I. KNOW! Honestly, I've tried; I'm still trying, will continue trying but it makes me crazy.
He has an appointment with his therapist today. I've lost some respect and confidence in him (the therapist), as he made a decision (I had agreed ahead of time that D and I would abide by his decision, so sure was I that he would never side with D over something so serious, but I was wrong) a couple of weeks ago. I disagreed with this through to my core and keeping my word and living with this decision has been very difficult. Unfortunately, (fortunately?) MY therapist agreed with my POV, so while that validated my feelings, it doesn't solve the problem.
So now of course the new stressor: my parents. Having opened Pandora's box, having let them know I would help as much as I can long distance, the calls come more often, the needs are multiplying and "there's no one else who will even listen to me (mom) and take this seriously."
W and I have finally detached. I'm not sure if it was finally just time, or if there's something for me to be concerned about, but frankly, as I can't seem to cope with another thing, I am going to assume 31 is the age when men no longer need to talk regularly to their moms or vice versa. It's not like we never talk, or like there's any animosity, it's more like I don't get weekly, sometimes daily, updates on what's going on in his life anymore.
J's issues warrant their own entry at this point and of course I have been sucked in.
I'm a sponge, soaking up the misery and angst of those around me. Every time I think I am close to breaking loose, almost but not quite yet having my own life, I slip back into my old ways: aiding and care giving and comforting everyone but myself.
I think I'll go reread the Enabling chapter.
__________
Well that was so not helpful.
Since then I have been trying to talk to an actual person at a large NY Hospital's Billing Office, not happening, their voice mail started with Happy Holidays too. Not a good sign. I wonder what they're celebrating in NY today. Next call was to try to track down Cobra Information from Dad's last job, with a company that has been sold and assimilated into a huge corporation of voice mails. Now I guess I'll call Dad and see if there's anything he can help with. Maybe at least his Doctor's name. I booked my whole trip around that doctor's appointment and Mom called last night to tell me the doctor will be out of town during that time. (He was also out of town when I was there last month.)
After that I will allow myself to be aggravated by work -we've been using a new Lab and have gotten our first bill. It is fubar and if it isn't fixed with minimal aggravation, it's a deal breaker.
And so it goes.
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2 comments:
Now I have to bookmark another site so I remember to visit you. Ya, I know, it's always about me!
As I said on the other site, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.
I'm glad you trust us enough to share - that's got to help you get through all that you have to get through. Ya, that made sense to me!
Valreads
It's huge isn't it? That I just can't do this anymore..and we pull up our socks and we trudge on, but there comes a point where we need to ask for help, maybe you are at that point.
No matter how much I knew the same things in regards to my son's consequences and how he should be left to deal with them, it is a difficult task to allow them to fail...and you are left with mental illness in the mix...you are at times the only voice of reason...it is nice to know that Damon is keeping his therapist appointments..that is huge, we both know how difficult it is to keep going to those things..:)
Good luck with the parents.
There is a book called Boundaries, I can't remember the author but I will look it up..interesting read if you can deal with scripture, not preachy, but realistic.
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